Wednesday, December 14, 2011

14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...between feeling...completely desperate and then at others times...just okay, never really happy, though.  In the last few days, I've been at a particular low point...feeling sad, and alone, and afraid, so afraid, and trying to ward off sheer panic and feeling so tired, and defeated, and beat down.  There have been moments when I have been capable of (trying to) convince myself that I can turn this around, that things will get better, but those have been fleeting, and really only platitudes that I don't even really believe right now.  The negative voice in my head is screaming so loudly these days and is much more convincing.

I feel so alone.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I can turn to right now and can come up with no one.  It would hurt many in my life to hear this, but it is true.  Many key relationships in my life are severely strained or no longer exist (death).  Don't get me wrong; much of this is largely about me too and my inability to trust others to even be honest and open about where I am at.

I had an interview today, and I felt like a liar during the whole thing, a terrible actress.  Every answer I gave was about someone else, a woman I used to know, a woman I only occasionally catch glimpses of now... How can I convince them that I am that woman, will be that woman again if they would just hire me, if I'm not even convinced myself?

"If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." -Johnny Cash

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