Remember this: I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. I can't find the words. I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling...
Well, here I am again, another 14 days later, and I can definitely say that again. Only this time it is different. Just like that, things seemed to change in many ways, things began to look up. But I can't let all the happiness that I'm feeling these days allow me to become complacent, allow me to abandon this journey, allow me to think that, just like that, I am suddenly so far removed from that place I visited just 14 days ago. No, it is still there, just steps behind me, or perhaps, lurking around some dark corner that awaits just steps ahead. Yes, I must appreciate this happiness, live it, enjoy it. But I must not let it lull me into a sense of calm, delude me into forgetting what sits just below the currently still surface. Instead, I must prepare for the day when I next face it. I must ensure that I become well-equipped for dealing with it. Yes, I am happy today and have been for many recent days. Yes, I appreciate it, but I must not forget that I can't abandon the baby steps, the building blocks, to achieving long-term, consistent happiness, the kind with real staying power. There's a lot of work that remains, and I appreciate being in a place where I look forward to it. And, so, I'm back.
P.S. Oh, and there's a lot of details to fill in from the last month as well.
Shower as soon as I wake up (well, after taking the puppy out and feeding her). I am not allowed to turn my computer or the t.v. on or do anything else not included in that parenthetical prior to my shower. It helps me to feel refreshed and motivated to get going. I need this. I need this early in my day. I need this every day. Otherwise, I end up trapped (in front of my computer, in front of the t.v., in bed, on the couch...in my head) for (much, most, all of) the day.
I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. I can't find the words. I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling...
The last two weeks haven't been all bad. It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!) Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time. I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true. That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though. I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing. I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)
It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...
