Reason #2

Because the appropriate initial, organic reaction to the suggestion to take a trip to the Caribbean (and soon) is happiness and excitement (I know!) and not dread and counting of days/calculating how much weight can be lost in the time between now and the trip.  I know that this is not something to complain about (and I'm not, really).  I know, this is not an actual problem.  That is precisely my point.  I love beaches.  I love hot weather.  I love being in the sun.  And I appreciate this trip and will LOVE this trip.  I just want to feel comfortable in a swimsuit my body again for once.  That makes me want to lose weight (and fast!).  It's not just that, though.  Like I've said, I'm doing this the healthy way, the slow, persistent way.  This is not only about making the body changes but the mind changes.  I don't want to only dream of where I'm going but appreciate where I am, what I have...  My happiness does not depend on my size, how I look in a swimsuit...  Until I truly figure this out, I will never be able to stay a certain size, etc. either.

P.S. Yes, I know that I ate a large bowl (okay, 2) of ice cream today.  I'm fine with that.  Sort of.  It was emotional eating.  No judgment, please!

Hmm, Compelling

I completed 90 minutes (6.3 miles) on the elliptical this morning.  All I can say is that I suggest watching a show that makes you want to see the end so much that you just keep going.  For me today that was Dateline.  I originally put in 60 minutes for my workout time (plus a five minute cool down).  However, I didn't realize that the full episode online had bonus material, so I figured why not keep going if I'm going to be watching it anyway. 

Later the puppy and I completed our 2.2 miles (39 minutes).  We almost didn't go that far.  It was so windy, and I wanted to quit from the beginning.  I fought that all the way to the halfway point.  I was arguing with myself the whole way.  Oh, shit; it's cold!  It's about to get colder...better get used to it.  I drank too much water on the elliptical (true) and am totally going to pee my pants (false).  Keep going.  You won't pee yourself; you'll just walk faster.

P.S. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.  I look at myself differently.  I have a less delusional body image.   Actually, I'm probably equally delusional but with better self-esteem.  When I showered after the elliptical, I could swear my thighs looked smaller and more toned (riiiggghhht).  They also looked smaller in my shadow later on our walk, just like that.  I like my face better after exercising too.  My reflection somehow magically changes.  I could swear it looked thinner as I brushed my teeth, my skin looked clearer...

Reason #1

I feel horrified by the expansion of my flesh, ashamed that it matters to me so much, and defiant that I do not feel comfortable in my body. -Sark

The husband and I were going somewhere recently.  He was driving.  I kept catching glimpses of my face in the side mirror.  I found myself staring, at my reflection and then down at my thighs.  It happens when I start up my computer as well.  I catch my reflection in the screen and am disgusted. I am tired of hating my appearance, hating my body.  I am tired of looking at myself and seeing a double chin, jowls, a huge neck, giant arms, swollen fingers, muffin top, pooch, love handles, fupa (yes, I said it), saddlebags, cellulite, stretch marks, cankles...  You name it.

Reason #1?