New Rules:

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical.  I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours.  When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off.  I fall asleep with it on.  I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions.  It is setting me back.  I mindlessly surf the internet.  It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.  

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now).  I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well.  I chose healthy meal options.  I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile).  I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k).  I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.  

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

Please Take Note

Today I completed 7.7 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes).  My time for the initial 5k of this workout was 31:05!  I know; I'm a total badass.  Now I'm going to go paint my nails.  Yes, that was off-topic.

You Win Some, You Gain Some

So, today was a weigh in day, and I did.  It was disappointing, but I'm letting that go.  I'm up about a pound and a half.  I have been doing what I should be, though, exercising, eating better, watching portion sizes... So, I will not let this get me down.  The results will eventually show, and I must remind myself that it is only a number.  I will make adjustments to try to find something that works for me.  Still, my first goal deadline is now nine days away and seems even more challenging (especially with Thanksgiving lurking a couple of days away).  With that in mind, though, I will remember to appreciate the progress I have made continue making.

P.S. I completed another 90 minutes on the elliptical but waited until very late this evening to work out.  It showed.  I was tired and only got 5.4 miles in, and I don't even want to mention my initial 5k time for this workout (okay, close to 50 minutes!).  I am grateful that I stuck with it, though, and didn't abandon the workout all together.

Wanna Race?

I've been trying to better my time, during every walk or elliptical workout.  So far I haven't been doing that well at this.  Today, though...

2.2 walk in record time (36 minutes)

Oh, yeah, 2.2 walk yesterday (41 minutes)

Edit: P.S. I also completed another 7.82 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes)  My time for the initial 5k of this workout: 34:38

Where I was, Where I am, Where I'm going

I thought I would provide a snapshot of where I'm at in my weight loss journey without doing the dreaded task of actually sharing the numbers.  I'm not even halfway to my goal, but I plan to make up ground quickly.  Stay tuned.

Oh, and also...

.5 mile walk - 13 minutes

7.14 miles on elliptical - 90 minutes

9.75

Walk: 2.2 miles (41 minutes)

Elliptical: 7.55 miles (95 minutes)

Daydream Believer

2.2 miles walk today in 41 minutes

90 minutes on the elliptical, allegedly resulting in 7.22 miles moved

P.S. I had this really great moment during my walk today.  Nevermind the fact that it almost resulted in me being hit by a car.  (Well, that's dramatic; I'm sure they would have driven around me if I hadn't noticed them.)  Anyway, I entered this totally blissful daydream for a bit on my walk, totally worry-free.  This is very rare for me these days.  I didn't even hear the car behind us until it was right behind us.  I was lost in my own little world, daydreaming of a day when my life will be (even more) fabulous, and we will have wonderful parties in the yard with an outdoor movie on a giant sheet for a screen and white lights and lemonade in mason jars and family and friends chatting happily and lots of loud laughter and yummy (and beautiful) food and drinks and pure joy!  Doesn't it sound so lovely?  It was nice to escape into those thoughts for awhile, and I insist that parties like that will totally happen one day.

Stay Calm and Elliptical

Well, I haven't had the best day.  Finally, after sitting paralyzed in sheer panic for some time, I decided I should quit wasting my time.  If I wasn't going to send in applications, I should at least get a workout in.  And I did.  I figured if I could do an hour and a half before there was no reason that I shouldn't do it again.  And I did.  I allegedly ran an extra mile this time too (who knows with these machines).  Still, mark me down for 7.25 miles today.  It feels good to say that.  Now, after a long, hot shower and something to eat, I am feeling better.  The anxiety is gone. Note to self: exercise helps (a lot).  Now to those applications...

Your Face Will Freeze That Way

...met my friend, Elizabeth, tonight for a walk.  I'd say we got in about 3 miles in 55 minutes (and lots of talk).  It's cold out there.  My face is still cold.  This cup of hot chocolate should help.  Cheers!

Hmm, Compelling

I completed 90 minutes (6.3 miles) on the elliptical this morning.  All I can say is that I suggest watching a show that makes you want to see the end so much that you just keep going.  For me today that was Dateline.  I originally put in 60 minutes for my workout time (plus a five minute cool down).  However, I didn't realize that the full episode online had bonus material, so I figured why not keep going if I'm going to be watching it anyway. 

Later the puppy and I completed our 2.2 miles (39 minutes).  We almost didn't go that far.  It was so windy, and I wanted to quit from the beginning.  I fought that all the way to the halfway point.  I was arguing with myself the whole way.  Oh, shit; it's cold!  It's about to get colder...better get used to it.  I drank too much water on the elliptical (true) and am totally going to pee my pants (false).  Keep going.  You won't pee yourself; you'll just walk faster.

P.S. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.  I look at myself differently.  I have a less delusional body image.   Actually, I'm probably equally delusional but with better self-esteem.  When I showered after the elliptical, I could swear my thighs looked smaller and more toned (riiiggghhht).  They also looked smaller in my shadow later on our walk, just like that.  I like my face better after exercising too.  My reflection somehow magically changes.  I could swear it looked thinner as I brushed my teeth, my skin looked clearer...

Reason #1

I feel horrified by the expansion of my flesh, ashamed that it matters to me so much, and defiant that I do not feel comfortable in my body. -Sark

The husband and I were going somewhere recently.  He was driving.  I kept catching glimpses of my face in the side mirror.  I found myself staring, at my reflection and then down at my thighs.  It happens when I start up my computer as well.  I catch my reflection in the screen and am disgusted. I am tired of hating my appearance, hating my body.  I am tired of looking at myself and seeing a double chin, jowls, a huge neck, giant arms, swollen fingers, muffin top, pooch, love handles, fupa (yes, I said it), saddlebags, cellulite, stretch marks, cankles...  You name it.

Reason #1? 

See Below Please

2.6 miles - 47 minutes

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

Measure Up

I've decided to weigh in weekly now.  It's not working for me to weigh in on only the 15th and 30th, probably because I haven't been weighing in on the 15th and the 30th.  Even though I didn't post it here, I took a picture of the scale on my last weigh in.  It just came to my attention that that was on August 30th.  Wow!  Time flies...  

I've only lost a little over 4 pounds in the last 2+ months.  While I'm happy that I haven't gained overall, my weight has been fluctuating, and this isn't even my low point over the last two months.  Once I lose weight, I don't want to gain it back, even if I'm still ending with a net loss.  I also need to focus on a more rapid rate of loss because as was mentioned in my previous entry, despite losing a decent amount of weight over the last several months, I am considered obese.  Ugh!

I am going to weigh in on the 7th, 15th, 21st, and 30th of each month (7th, 14th, 21st, & 29th of February).  I am going to take my measurements and maybe pictures on the 30th of each month.

...Before Which Something Must Be Done

My Weight Loss Deadlines:

November 30 - Move from obese (Yeah, I said it...sigh!) to overweight.

December 15 - Meet mini-goal 2 (Nope, I don't currently intend to disclose these mini goals.  It was hard enough to admit that I'm considered obese.)

December 30 - Meet mini-goal 3

January 15 - Meet mini-goal 4 (maybe announce the total amount lost over previous year)

January 30 - Meet mini-goal 5

February 14 - Move from overweight to "normal"

February 29 - Meet mini-goal 7

March 15 - Meet mini-goal 8

March 30 - Meet mini-goal 9

April 15 - Meet mini-goal 10

April 30 - Meet mini-goal 11

May 15 - Meet mini-goal 12

May 30 -  Reach goal weight (Maybe announce total weight loss, maybe)

It's Cold Outside

The husband and I took the puppy on a very short walk (.5 mile), but it still counts.  It's getting cold out there.  At the end I turned to him and said, "this wind blows."  Bahaha!  I cracked myself up with that one, mostly because there was truly no pun intended.  He did not react.  He's become quite good at this.  This just entertains me more because I know he is secretly very amused by me, clearly. Bahaha!

P.S. I know that today is a weigh-in day, and I've been missing these days lately.  However, this weigh-in will come late too because I am away from my scale.  My weight has been fluctuating a bit in recent days, but overall, I am down about five more pounds.

Autumnal Tints

The sister and I took the puppies on a walk again today.  That was our view.  So beautiful.  Happiness.  I find it really helps to have a walking buddy.  I would estimate that we walked 1.57 miles.  Ha, that figure sounds hilarious!  (I came up with that number based on the time we spent walking and my previous walking speeds.)  

 Guess what else?
Puppy? bathed
Faxes? faxed
Car? washed
Cash? deposited
Mail? picked up/sent
Lawn? mowed

P.S. The interview was a waste of my time (and that was after they kept me waiting for 40 minutes.  I had an appointment).  It wasn't even good practice.  The posting indicated that "multiple opportunities" were available.  There was one.  That position was basically an entry-level, clerical position.  The posting gave no indication of this.  From the beginning, it was clear to both me and the woman conducting the interview that this would not be a good fit.  I sent them my resume.  They should have reviewed my educational and professional background and realized that.  I'm not really sure why they even called.   Rude.  Unprofessional.
A word to describe my job search? Insulting.

Workout Buddies

Tonight the puppy and I joined a friend for a walk (about 2.5 miles).  I almost canceled/rescheduled because I wasn't feeling it (with the crappy day and all).  I decided not to do that, though.  That is what I would normally do.  I'm so happy that I didn't cancel.  It was good to see my friend.  It was good to get out of the house.  We're going to try to get together for walks once a week.

Body Movin

  

The puppy and I just went on a 3.5 mile walk.  It took us 71 minutes.  It was hilly.  My legs hurt.  This is satisfying.  I am happy.