14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...

Rocky Road

Because sometimes when you're on one, you need want some a lot.

I know that I'm being vague, and I know that it's so annoying when people do that.  I'm just struggling...with my need to talk about this.  I mean, I created this blog because I needed a place to get this all out, figure this out.  However, I'm torn between my desire to be open, honest but to also protect the innocent guilty.  Suffice it to say that I have been down this road far too many times, and this continual conflict has contributed greatly to where I am, the things that I'm working on changing.  It has repeatedly derailed me, but I am getting much better at not letting it impact me like it once did.  Still, there is much that is not within my control, and it is just...difficult (to put it far too mildly).

Seeking Serenity

This is late, yes, but needed, indeed.  I haven't updated for days, true.  I haven't exercised for days, yes (at least not since a short puppy walk on Thanksgiving).  Things were busy and great and unhealthy but fun, so healthy in that way, true.  And then all of a sudden things were not, were bad, stressful, deja vu, I'd been there before, with her before.  Vague, yes.  However, I don't even know where to begin, so, for now, I just really won't.  I will simply say (and continue to repeat to myself): Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yes, please do.

That Takes the Cake

 

The sister is the best.  As are cupcakes.  As is chocolate.

6 Smalls Things That Aren't So Small

1. I called the sister and asked if she wanted to pick a day each week to study/apply for jobs together.  We would normally end the call on yeah, let's do that.  We would then not do that.  Instead, we picked a day/time for next week.

2. I emailed my long distance workout buddy, Ann, and asked if she wanted to start checking in with each other again.  We will be in contact weekly to report on our progress.

3. I sent a message to my friend, Elizabeth, and asked if she wanted to go on a walk this week.  We're going tonight.  It's going to be cold.  I'm still going.

4. I sent a message to the (older) brother to say hi.

5. I called the paternal grandma.  At the end of the call she said that I had "made her day."  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "you've done good."

6. I called the maternal grandma.  We talked for over two hours.  She made me feel encouraged about my job search.  She said she's been praying for me.  She said maybe she would have to make a visit to a certain city too.  She was referring to where my grandfather is buried.  She said, "maybe I need to ask (your grandpa) for assistance."  My grandfather was a minister, our family's spiritual leader really.  The reference to him and prayer brought me peace and calm.  I don't pray that often anymore.  It's hard for me to explain.  It's hard for me to understand.  I'm not sure what I think. 

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

Happy New Year!

It was at the start of November last year that I set several goals for myself.  I had set many of them before.  This was another go-round at what I set out to do many times before.  I created a 5 page Word document that  detailed how I was going to accomplish the well-rounded, healthy life that I've been craving for so long.  There were deadlines at the end of the month, the start of the new year, my birthday, and deadlines  for mini-goals (stepping stones to ultimate goals) along the way.  

And here I am a year later, largely in the same spot.  So I have decided that I do not want to enter 2012 with these still on my resolution list.  I am sick of saying I will start tomorrow or on the first or after Thanksgiving or after Christmas or at the start of the New Year.  So I am just declaring today the start of a new year.  I had intended to write this post on the first, but I am not going to allow this to delay my progress any further.  I will just start now.  I want a job now.  I want to be thinner by the time we take family pictures at Thanksgiving.  I want to enter 2012 feeling healthy, organized, relaxed, and ready to enjoy the years ahead.  So, Happy New Year!  The healthier habits I'm going to put in place over the next several weeks are below.  As I've already started, I'm going to continue to slowly add these items through Tuesday's To-Do's, while working on others through separate projects (Project Find a Job, for example).

Autumnal Tints

The sister and I took the puppies on a walk again today.  That was our view.  So beautiful.  Happiness.  I find it really helps to have a walking buddy.  I would estimate that we walked 1.57 miles.  Ha, that figure sounds hilarious!  (I came up with that number based on the time we spent walking and my previous walking speeds.)  

 Guess what else?
Puppy? bathed
Faxes? faxed
Car? washed
Cash? deposited
Mail? picked up/sent
Lawn? mowed

P.S. The interview was a waste of my time (and that was after they kept me waiting for 40 minutes.  I had an appointment).  It wasn't even good practice.  The posting indicated that "multiple opportunities" were available.  There was one.  That position was basically an entry-level, clerical position.  The posting gave no indication of this.  From the beginning, it was clear to both me and the woman conducting the interview that this would not be a good fit.  I sent them my resume.  They should have reviewed my educational and professional background and realized that.  I'm not really sure why they even called.   Rude.  Unprofessional.
A word to describe my job search? Insulting.

Tradition

I'm getting ready to head out to the football game with the family.  This is one of the things that consistently makes me happy, spending fall weekends with the family at the games.  I'm excited.  I'm happy.  I'm in a great mood, even though I'm up before 7:00.  I could use a coffee, though.

In the Zone (or Out)

Note to self: try things that you thought were outside of your comfort zone.  You may find that they're not, or that they become less so.  You may have fun.  You may not.  And that's okay too.

And I knew for sure I was loved

I woke up this morning from a haunting dream.  I feel kind of down.  When I have these sorts of dreams (and I have them from time to time), I have a hard time shaking this melancholy feeling.  

I was at a funeral, for my father. 

Momentum

Sometimes all I need to do to feel (A LOT) better is force myself to get up, take a long, hot shower, comb my hair, put on fresh clothes, play a little fetch with the puppy, and have dinner with the husband.  I feel refreshed and ready to get some stuff done.  I just need to keep moving.