Haves and Have-Nots

It is okay.  I have not exercised (yesterday or today).  I have been eating at home. I have been eating well.  I have been getting laundry and cleaning done.  I have been developing a schedule.  Perhaps the most important step in that, the foundation?  I have been going to bed "early" and focusing on getting up in the morning.  I got eight hours of sleep last night (rare).  I slept straight through the night (rarer).  I am still tired.  This will take time.  But I am committed.  On that note...

New Rules:

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical.  I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours.  When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off.  I fall asleep with it on.  I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions.  It is setting me back.  I mindlessly surf the internet.  It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.  

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now).  I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well.  I chose healthy meal options.  I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile).  I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k).  I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.  

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

Different as Night and Day

I experience a contradiction every day, between morning and evening.  At night, I don't want to go to bed.  In the morning, I don't want to get out.  At night, I feel like I am running too short on hours in my day and have an impossible time convincing myself to spend more on sleep.  In the morning, I feel like I am running too short on hours of sleep (obviously) and have an impossible time convincing myself to get out of bed and seize the hours in my day.

Right now?  It is like most other nights.  I don't want to go to sleep.  That will mean that this day will end.  At the beginning of each day, that is all that I am wishing for.   But right now, right now it means that the next day will arrive before I know it, and I will be wishing for the end of the day again.  I will close my eyes, and the next thing I know, I will be opening them again.  The thought of facing another day is exhausting but not exhausting enough to convince me to go to sleep.  

Tomorrow morning I will not want to get out of bed.  I will want to pull the covers over my head.  I will want to hide.  I will want to avoid.

I just don't want to do anything, to face anything, anyone...life.

I don't want to "live" my life like this anymore.

But I feel stuck in what seems like a never-ending cycle, spiraling further and further downward.

That is the best that I can explain it.

Just Sayin'

I do not feel well today.  I am tired.  I am unmotivated.  I have no energy.  I have a headache.  I look terrible.  I haven't gotten to anything I wanted to do today.  I've been trying to cope with overwhelming and totally irrational anxiety.  I haven't felt such a strong desire to nap in days.  ...a reminder of what's always lurking if...

I didn't drink enough water yesterday (only had 3, 8 oz. glasses).  I didn't walk the puppy.  I didn't exercise on the elliptical.  I went to bed an hour later and got up an hour later than I had the previous three days.  There were reasons.  I was getting a lot done around the house.  I decided to go out for drinks. (I feel it's important in terms of working on social anxiety and my tendency to close off relationships when I'm depressed.)  However, I still think that it is worth noting my lack of effort on my health-related to-do's yesterday and the state that I'm in today.  So...noted. I must remember to make taking care of myself a priority.

You Snooze, You Win

Guess who went to bed at 11:30/12ish last night?  Guess who woke up at 7:00?  Guess who did not close her eyes and try to go back to sleep but got right out of bed instead?

The second load of laundry is in the washing machine.  Breakfast is consumed.  A load of dishes is in the dishwasher.  Pandora is on.  The internet has been read.

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

Happy New Year!

It was at the start of November last year that I set several goals for myself.  I had set many of them before.  This was another go-round at what I set out to do many times before.  I created a 5 page Word document that  detailed how I was going to accomplish the well-rounded, healthy life that I've been craving for so long.  There were deadlines at the end of the month, the start of the new year, my birthday, and deadlines  for mini-goals (stepping stones to ultimate goals) along the way.  

And here I am a year later, largely in the same spot.  So I have decided that I do not want to enter 2012 with these still on my resolution list.  I am sick of saying I will start tomorrow or on the first or after Thanksgiving or after Christmas or at the start of the New Year.  So I am just declaring today the start of a new year.  I had intended to write this post on the first, but I am not going to allow this to delay my progress any further.  I will just start now.  I want a job now.  I want to be thinner by the time we take family pictures at Thanksgiving.  I want to enter 2012 feeling healthy, organized, relaxed, and ready to enjoy the years ahead.  So, Happy New Year!  The healthier habits I'm going to put in place over the next several weeks are below.  As I've already started, I'm going to continue to slowly add these items through Tuesday's To-Do's, while working on others through separate projects (Project Find a Job, for example).

Apply Yourself

I'm struggling.  I have been this whole week.  I have been doing my best to resist it, but it's not working.  My sleep schedule is extremely disrupted, and it's causing me to drag (majorly).  Then I'm beating myself up because I feel like I'm getting nothing done.  In reality I have been continuing with my baby steps, but I've also been avoiding. 

Shush

I've been battling my thoughts this week.  I have a real problem with negative self talk.  I have a problem with doubting myself.  I have nagging worry, always there.  I'm constantly trying to quiet her annoying voice.  I recently heard someone describe anxiety as a feeling of impending doom.  "Yes, that's it," I thought to myself.  Not, oh, yeah, that's what I've been struggling with; I already knew what that feeling in the pit of my stomach was from.  I just had no idea how to describe the feeling; it's more of a you know it when you feel it sort of thing. That's what I've been feeling all week.  Dread.  Fear.  Panic. 

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

I have problems going to bed at night.  I often feel exhausted.  It would be so helpful to feel well-rested.  Yet, I still struggle with setting a sleep schedule.  Last night, though, I went to bed early (for me).  I got up early this morning.  I opened the blinds right away.  I got out of bed right away.  I got 7 hours of sleep.  I feel great.  I'm moving.  I'm getting stuff done.  I am happy.  (Take note, self.)