The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...

Stay Calm and Elliptical

Well, I haven't had the best day.  Finally, after sitting paralyzed in sheer panic for some time, I decided I should quit wasting my time.  If I wasn't going to send in applications, I should at least get a workout in.  And I did.  I figured if I could do an hour and a half before there was no reason that I shouldn't do it again.  And I did.  I allegedly ran an extra mile this time too (who knows with these machines).  Still, mark me down for 7.25 miles today.  It feels good to say that.  Now, after a long, hot shower and something to eat, I am feeling better.  The anxiety is gone. Note to self: exercise helps (a lot).  Now to those applications...

Staring Blankly Ahead

...staring out the window, feeling nauseous and agitated this morning.  I'm just about to apply for jobs; that's all. It's what's bringing it on, though; I know. I am experiencing extreme anxiety.  It's about the need for a job and the fact that I've been avoiding even thinking about the urgency of having one.  I need to get back to work, get out of the house, get on with my career...now.  Because the holidays are approaching, and I'm sure that hiring will stall,  I feel this extreme pressure to apply for everything, right now.  I am trying hard not to start freaking out.  I'm sure applying will make it go away, but right now it's holding me back from getting started, on anything. ...must work through this.

Just Sayin'

I do not feel well today.  I am tired.  I am unmotivated.  I have no energy.  I have a headache.  I look terrible.  I haven't gotten to anything I wanted to do today.  I've been trying to cope with overwhelming and totally irrational anxiety.  I haven't felt such a strong desire to nap in days.  ...a reminder of what's always lurking if...

I didn't drink enough water yesterday (only had 3, 8 oz. glasses).  I didn't walk the puppy.  I didn't exercise on the elliptical.  I went to bed an hour later and got up an hour later than I had the previous three days.  There were reasons.  I was getting a lot done around the house.  I decided to go out for drinks. (I feel it's important in terms of working on social anxiety and my tendency to close off relationships when I'm depressed.)  However, I still think that it is worth noting my lack of effort on my health-related to-do's yesterday and the state that I'm in today.  So...noted. I must remember to make taking care of myself a priority.

In the Zone (or Out)

Note to self: try things that you thought were outside of your comfort zone.  You may find that they're not, or that they become less so.  You may have fun.  You may not.  And that's okay too.

Shush

I've been battling my thoughts this week.  I have a real problem with negative self talk.  I have a problem with doubting myself.  I have nagging worry, always there.  I'm constantly trying to quiet her annoying voice.  I recently heard someone describe anxiety as a feeling of impending doom.  "Yes, that's it," I thought to myself.  Not, oh, yeah, that's what I've been struggling with; I already knew what that feeling in the pit of my stomach was from.  I just had no idea how to describe the feeling; it's more of a you know it when you feel it sort of thing. That's what I've been feeling all week.  Dread.  Fear.  Panic. 

No Rest for the Weary

Some days are good.  Some days are bad.

I'm struggling.  I'm tired.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm anxious.