6 Numbers I'll Share

Hint: My weight is not one of the numbers  Hint: Neither is my clothing size.  I'll write more about my thoughts on this at some point in the future.  Right now I'm in a hurry to get out the door.  My world is spinning so quickly these days. 

Also, I did weigh in yesterday.  I took my measurements as well even though it wasn't measurement day.  I was curious.  I am still sitting at my lowest weight since I began working on this in mid-January.  There has been no loss or gain recently, but I haven't been getting in a lot of exercise.  Confession: Some fast food has found its way back into my diet as well.

As I said, there are certain numbers I'm not sharing (at least at this point).  I have a couple of different reasons for that, which I may talk about at a later time.  However, I do think recording numbers can be a great way to hold oneself accountable.  Seeing numbers decrease (or increase, in the case of miles logged) is also a great way to notice that work is paying off and to provide encouragement. 

With that in mind, the 6 numbers I'll share:
1) My BMI has gone down by 2.
2) I've lost 1/2 an inch off my neck.
3) I've lost 1/2 an inch off each bicep.
4) I've lost 2 inches off my waist.
5) I've lost 1 inch off each thigh.
6) I've lost 1 inch off my hips.

This makes me smile.  Satisfaction.  Motivation.  As I've said, I started trying to lose weight (again) in the middle of January.  This time I've been trying to do it the right way.  ...no more yo-yo diets.  Instead I've been working to change my eating habits and to exercise more regularly.  It is a learning process.  I have regular setbacks and disappointments, but I want to finally reach a healthy weight and stay there.  I'm sticking with it. 

I didn't even record measurements until early in April; so these numbers don't reflect changes from the very beginning when some of my largest weight loss was happening each week.  Honestly, I couldn't bear to see the numbers at that point.  I felt ashamed.  Today I am proud of myself.

Who knows when I will update again.  Life is so busy right now.  These days I don't get home until well after:

Sunset in Middle America

And I knew for sure I was loved

I woke up this morning from a haunting dream.  I feel kind of down.  When I have these sorts of dreams (and I have them from time to time), I have a hard time shaking this melancholy feeling.  

I was at a funeral, for my father. 

Steps

Yesterday the puppy & I went on a 2.2 mile walk.  (Yes, we get credit for the .2 mile as well.)  We walked it in 42 minutes, the time that Google maps said it would take us.  That bullshit has to change.  I find Google's time estimates to be incredibly conservative.  I always beat it in the car (that's what he said); we need to pick up the pace.

"Make your feet your friend." -J.M. Barrie

I've added a place in the left sidebar to keep track of the miles I log during this journey.  I thought this would  be another great way for me to hold myself accountable.  I'll also probably leave details in the fine print at the the bottom of individual blog entries, so I can look back on what I did each day.  It will be satisfying to see the numbers add up.  For now I'm going to keep track of the miles that I walk, bike, and elliptical.  Later I hope to add miles hiked.  Maybe one day I'll add miles ran. The first mile of many was logged today on a walk with the puppy.  I'm excited!

Momentum

Sometimes all I need to do to feel (A LOT) better is force myself to get up, take a long, hot shower, comb my hair, put on fresh clothes, play a little fetch with the puppy, and have dinner with the husband.  I feel refreshed and ready to get some stuff done.  I just need to keep moving.

Black Dog

I am trying making gradual progress, but let me be honest.  This takes an amazing amount of energy for me, and I feel like I have none.  I am depressed.  I have been for a long time, and it is crippling, exhausting.  My mind is filled with so much self-doubt (hatred?) and criticism.  It is so easy for me to focus on all that I do wrong and all that I have left to accomplish. I feel embarrassed talking about it.  I think many people don't understand.  I know many people think it's laziness and excuses.  My inner critic happens to agree with them.  I so desperately want to do better, to feel better.  

Every day is hard.  I find it even more difficult because I try to hide it and pretend that I am fine (depression is a very taboo thing). This is made all the more impossible challenging by the fact that I am tired, every day.  I am irritable, every day.  I am sad, every day.  I find it hard to just get in the shower, every day.  It is hard to eat when I should (let alone what and how much I should), every day.  It is hard to leave my bed, leave my house (let alone exercise  and finish the errands and chores that I need to), every day.  It is such a terrible cycle to find one's self in.  You need to do these things to gain the energy, self esteem, etc. that you need to do these things.

For now, I'm encouraging myself with even the smallest of victories.  I had breakfast.  I finally returned calls and texts (from yesterday).  It's so easy to go inside your own head and avoid interactions with others.  It's easier to hide then too (at least that's what I delude myself into thinking).  I took deep breaths during one call and remained patient (maybe more on that relationship at a later time).  I took care of the puppy.  I think I'm making her depressed too, and I feel so guilty.  

I'm trying to do one thing at a time and not focus on everything else that is in front of me.  I'm trying to focus on the most simple tasks.  It's hard.  I want to fast forward, but that desire indicates that I'm missing the point of this project that I have created for myself.  The truth is that even if I were to fast forward right now, I would find myself exactly where I am now.  I have to live each day, the accomplishments, the setbacks, the exciting, the boring, the successes, the mistakes...  It is only through doing this that I will find myself in a better place somewhere down the road.  The sooner I start taking the steps, the sooner I can get there.

Still, I can't wait for the day when I re-read this post and don't remember what this felt like.

Deja Vu

I’m Ele.  I recently resolved (once again) to change my life, to better myself, to enjoy at least one thing in each day, to be more appreciative, to build stronger relationships, to smile and laugh more, to judge myself less harshly, to worry less, to become more organized, to eat better, to exercise consistently, to be well-rested, to be healthy, to be happy, to be present, to take part in life instead of letting it pass me by.   

Before that I turned 30.  Before that I lost my job.  Before that I gained (more) weight (rapidly).  Before that I became (very) depressed (and angry).  Before (and after) that I lost many (very) loved ones.   

Of course there has been a lot in between all of this as well, lots of it happy and exciting (an engagement, graduations, moves, getting a dog, vacations, a wedding, a first home…), lots of it ordinary (errands, chores, bills, meals…).  This blog is about all of those things; it’s a place for me to reflect on my past and my journey towards fulfilling my dreams for my future.  Feel free to eavesdrop.