The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

New Rules:

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical.  I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours.  When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off.  I fall asleep with it on.  I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions.  It is setting me back.  I mindlessly surf the internet.  It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.  

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now).  I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well.  I chose healthy meal options.  I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile).  I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k).  I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.  

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

Please Take Note

Today I completed 7.7 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes).  My time for the initial 5k of this workout was 31:05!  I know; I'm a total badass.  Now I'm going to go paint my nails.  Yes, that was off-topic.

You Win Some, You Gain Some

So, today was a weigh in day, and I did.  It was disappointing, but I'm letting that go.  I'm up about a pound and a half.  I have been doing what I should be, though, exercising, eating better, watching portion sizes... So, I will not let this get me down.  The results will eventually show, and I must remind myself that it is only a number.  I will make adjustments to try to find something that works for me.  Still, my first goal deadline is now nine days away and seems even more challenging (especially with Thanksgiving lurking a couple of days away).  With that in mind, though, I will remember to appreciate the progress I have made continue making.

P.S. I completed another 90 minutes on the elliptical but waited until very late this evening to work out.  It showed.  I was tired and only got 5.4 miles in, and I don't even want to mention my initial 5k time for this workout (okay, close to 50 minutes!).  I am grateful that I stuck with it, though, and didn't abandon the workout all together.

Wanna Race?

I've been trying to better my time, during every walk or elliptical workout.  So far I haven't been doing that well at this.  Today, though...

2.2 walk in record time (36 minutes)

Oh, yeah, 2.2 walk yesterday (41 minutes)

Edit: P.S. I also completed another 7.82 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes)  My time for the initial 5k of this workout: 34:38

Oh, and also...

.5 mile walk - 13 minutes

7.14 miles on elliptical - 90 minutes

9.75

Walk: 2.2 miles (41 minutes)

Elliptical: 7.55 miles (95 minutes)

Daydream Believer

2.2 miles walk today in 41 minutes

90 minutes on the elliptical, allegedly resulting in 7.22 miles moved

P.S. I had this really great moment during my walk today.  Nevermind the fact that it almost resulted in me being hit by a car.  (Well, that's dramatic; I'm sure they would have driven around me if I hadn't noticed them.)  Anyway, I entered this totally blissful daydream for a bit on my walk, totally worry-free.  This is very rare for me these days.  I didn't even hear the car behind us until it was right behind us.  I was lost in my own little world, daydreaming of a day when my life will be (even more) fabulous, and we will have wonderful parties in the yard with an outdoor movie on a giant sheet for a screen and white lights and lemonade in mason jars and family and friends chatting happily and lots of loud laughter and yummy (and beautiful) food and drinks and pure joy!  Doesn't it sound so lovely?  It was nice to escape into those thoughts for awhile, and I insist that parties like that will totally happen one day.

Stay Calm and Elliptical

Well, I haven't had the best day.  Finally, after sitting paralyzed in sheer panic for some time, I decided I should quit wasting my time.  If I wasn't going to send in applications, I should at least get a workout in.  And I did.  I figured if I could do an hour and a half before there was no reason that I shouldn't do it again.  And I did.  I allegedly ran an extra mile this time too (who knows with these machines).  Still, mark me down for 7.25 miles today.  It feels good to say that.  Now, after a long, hot shower and something to eat, I am feeling better.  The anxiety is gone. Note to self: exercise helps (a lot).  Now to those applications...

Hmm, Compelling

I completed 90 minutes (6.3 miles) on the elliptical this morning.  All I can say is that I suggest watching a show that makes you want to see the end so much that you just keep going.  For me today that was Dateline.  I originally put in 60 minutes for my workout time (plus a five minute cool down).  However, I didn't realize that the full episode online had bonus material, so I figured why not keep going if I'm going to be watching it anyway. 

Later the puppy and I completed our 2.2 miles (39 minutes).  We almost didn't go that far.  It was so windy, and I wanted to quit from the beginning.  I fought that all the way to the halfway point.  I was arguing with myself the whole way.  Oh, shit; it's cold!  It's about to get colder...better get used to it.  I drank too much water on the elliptical (true) and am totally going to pee my pants (false).  Keep going.  You won't pee yourself; you'll just walk faster.

P.S. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.  I look at myself differently.  I have a less delusional body image.   Actually, I'm probably equally delusional but with better self-esteem.  When I showered after the elliptical, I could swear my thighs looked smaller and more toned (riiiggghhht).  They also looked smaller in my shadow later on our walk, just like that.  I like my face better after exercising too.  My reflection somehow magically changes.  I could swear it looked thinner as I brushed my teeth, my skin looked clearer...