The Toaster

I have this toaster.  I've had it for over ten years.  It's not that advanced; it's nothing fancy.  I figure toasters don't really need to be.  It only has two slots. I don't toast more than two pieces of bread at once anyway.  If the husband and I both want bagels - and yes, the slots are (barely) wide enough to fit bagels - one of us can wait a few minutes until the other is done.  It's not like we're that crunched for time. It works just fine, most of the time.  Sometimes you have to mess around with the settings a little, get it in just the right spot by the word medium so that your bread or bagel or waffle or whatever gets toasted enough but not  burnt.  It's not a problem, though; we've figured out how to get it just so.  The toaster is white (now kind of yellowing).  Our other small appliances are stainless steal.  We registered for them when we got married a few years ago.  I didn't register for a new toaster.  I didn't want one.  The toaster was a gift from the uncle one Christmas.  Our family had bought him a new toaster that year, one of the fancy ones, with four, wide slots to accommodate big bagels and different settings to toast items just so.  He laughed when he opened it.  He had just bought himself a new toaster.  The mom said he could return ours for something new.  He said, "No, Ele is going to college next year and will need a toaster for her dorm room.  I will give her the one that I just bought and keep this one."  And so, that is how I came to have my current toaster.  I did take it with me to college.  He helped me move in that first weekend there, a weekend I will always cherish.  The husband calls it a sentimental toaster; it's an apt description. The uncle gave it to me the Christmas before he fell very ill, shortly after moving me into my dorm.  He was with us for the following Christmas, but that was his last.  It was that first year without him that I began to fall apart.  I like my toaster.  It works just fine.  I can't believe that I've had it for over ten years now.  I don't know when I'll get a new one.  

A Grandpa is...

 someone you never outgrow your need for. -Author unknown

...watching t.v.  This girl's grandpa came over, and she came bounding down the stairs to greet him, so happy overjoyed to see him.  She hugged him like she didn't ever want to let go.  This broke my heart a little.  I miss him.

Untitled

There is a man on Intervention tonight that really reminds me of my dad. It is too much for me right now.  I am a mess. I should not have been watching this show anyway. I cannot watch it without crying sobbing.  It was particularly bad tonight because I have already been spiraling (even further) downward for the last week or so.  Then because I was thinking of my dad I pulled out old letters from him and my grandpa and my uncle.  I think maybe I shouldn't have done that.  I feel very defeated.  I feel very alone.  I feel very sad.

And I knew for sure I was loved

I woke up this morning from a haunting dream.  I feel kind of down.  When I have these sorts of dreams (and I have them from time to time), I have a hard time shaking this melancholy feeling.  

I was at a funeral, for my father.