Shifting Gears

I have been moving a (very) little bit.  I met my workout (and general) buddy, Elizabeth, for a walk around one the lakes here in town last weekend (3.1 miles)  Then the puppy and I had a couple of walks last week (also totaling 3.1 miles).  Today the puppy, husband, and I went on a .9 mile walk.  I still need to increase frequency and intensity and be consistent with the exercise.  I am gaining weight.  I lost almost 30 pounds in a year.  (There, there is a firm number for you.)  I could have and should have done better.  Even worse, though, over the last few months, I have slowly put about half of that back on.  This must be reversed.  Now.

The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

New Rules:

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical.  I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours.  When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off.  I fall asleep with it on.  I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions.  It is setting me back.  I mindlessly surf the internet.  It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.  

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now).  I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well.  I chose healthy meal options.  I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile).  I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k).  I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.  

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

Your Face Will Freeze That Way

...met my friend, Elizabeth, tonight for a walk.  I'd say we got in about 3 miles in 55 minutes (and lots of talk).  It's cold out there.  My face is still cold.  This cup of hot chocolate should help.  Cheers!

6 Smalls Things That Aren't So Small

1. I called the sister and asked if she wanted to pick a day each week to study/apply for jobs together.  We would normally end the call on yeah, let's do that.  We would then not do that.  Instead, we picked a day/time for next week.

2. I emailed my long distance workout buddy, Ann, and asked if she wanted to start checking in with each other again.  We will be in contact weekly to report on our progress.

3. I sent a message to my friend, Elizabeth, and asked if she wanted to go on a walk this week.  We're going tonight.  It's going to be cold.  I'm still going.

4. I sent a message to the (older) brother to say hi.

5. I called the paternal grandma.  At the end of the call she said that I had "made her day."  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "you've done good."

6. I called the maternal grandma.  We talked for over two hours.  She made me feel encouraged about my job search.  She said she's been praying for me.  She said maybe she would have to make a visit to a certain city too.  She was referring to where my grandfather is buried.  She said, "maybe I need to ask (your grandpa) for assistance."  My grandfather was a minister, our family's spiritual leader really.  The reference to him and prayer brought me peace and calm.  I don't pray that often anymore.  It's hard for me to explain.  It's hard for me to understand.  I'm not sure what I think. 

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

It's Cold Outside

The husband and I took the puppy on a very short walk (.5 mile), but it still counts.  It's getting cold out there.  At the end I turned to him and said, "this wind blows."  Bahaha!  I cracked myself up with that one, mostly because there was truly no pun intended.  He did not react.  He's become quite good at this.  This just entertains me more because I know he is secretly very amused by me, clearly. Bahaha!

P.S. I know that today is a weigh-in day, and I've been missing these days lately.  However, this weigh-in will come late too because I am away from my scale.  My weight has been fluctuating a bit in recent days, but overall, I am down about five more pounds.

Autumnal Tints

The sister and I took the puppies on a walk again today.  That was our view.  So beautiful.  Happiness.  I find it really helps to have a walking buddy.  I would estimate that we walked 1.57 miles.  Ha, that figure sounds hilarious!  (I came up with that number based on the time we spent walking and my previous walking speeds.)  

 Guess what else?
Puppy? bathed
Faxes? faxed
Car? washed
Cash? deposited
Mail? picked up/sent
Lawn? mowed

P.S. The interview was a waste of my time (and that was after they kept me waiting for 40 minutes.  I had an appointment).  It wasn't even good practice.  The posting indicated that "multiple opportunities" were available.  There was one.  That position was basically an entry-level, clerical position.  The posting gave no indication of this.  From the beginning, it was clear to both me and the woman conducting the interview that this would not be a good fit.  I sent them my resume.  They should have reviewed my educational and professional background and realized that.  I'm not really sure why they even called.   Rude.  Unprofessional.
A word to describe my job search? Insulting.

Workout Buddies

Tonight the puppy and I joined a friend for a walk (about 2.5 miles).  I almost canceled/rescheduled because I wasn't feeling it (with the crappy day and all).  I decided not to do that, though.  That is what I would normally do.  I'm so happy that I didn't cancel.  It was good to see my friend.  It was good to get out of the house.  We're going to try to get together for walks once a week.