14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...

Your Face Will Freeze That Way

...met my friend, Elizabeth, tonight for a walk.  I'd say we got in about 3 miles in 55 minutes (and lots of talk).  It's cold out there.  My face is still cold.  This cup of hot chocolate should help.  Cheers!

6 Smalls Things That Aren't So Small

1. I called the sister and asked if she wanted to pick a day each week to study/apply for jobs together.  We would normally end the call on yeah, let's do that.  We would then not do that.  Instead, we picked a day/time for next week.

2. I emailed my long distance workout buddy, Ann, and asked if she wanted to start checking in with each other again.  We will be in contact weekly to report on our progress.

3. I sent a message to my friend, Elizabeth, and asked if she wanted to go on a walk this week.  We're going tonight.  It's going to be cold.  I'm still going.

4. I sent a message to the (older) brother to say hi.

5. I called the paternal grandma.  At the end of the call she said that I had "made her day."  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "you've done good."

6. I called the maternal grandma.  We talked for over two hours.  She made me feel encouraged about my job search.  She said she's been praying for me.  She said maybe she would have to make a visit to a certain city too.  She was referring to where my grandfather is buried.  She said, "maybe I need to ask (your grandpa) for assistance."  My grandfather was a minister, our family's spiritual leader really.  The reference to him and prayer brought me peace and calm.  I don't pray that often anymore.  It's hard for me to explain.  It's hard for me to understand.  I'm not sure what I think. 

Happy New Year!

It was at the start of November last year that I set several goals for myself.  I had set many of them before.  This was another go-round at what I set out to do many times before.  I created a 5 page Word document that  detailed how I was going to accomplish the well-rounded, healthy life that I've been craving for so long.  There were deadlines at the end of the month, the start of the new year, my birthday, and deadlines  for mini-goals (stepping stones to ultimate goals) along the way.  

And here I am a year later, largely in the same spot.  So I have decided that I do not want to enter 2012 with these still on my resolution list.  I am sick of saying I will start tomorrow or on the first or after Thanksgiving or after Christmas or at the start of the New Year.  So I am just declaring today the start of a new year.  I had intended to write this post on the first, but I am not going to allow this to delay my progress any further.  I will just start now.  I want a job now.  I want to be thinner by the time we take family pictures at Thanksgiving.  I want to enter 2012 feeling healthy, organized, relaxed, and ready to enjoy the years ahead.  So, Happy New Year!  The healthier habits I'm going to put in place over the next several weeks are below.  As I've already started, I'm going to continue to slowly add these items through Tuesday's To-Do's, while working on others through separate projects (Project Find a Job, for example).

Workout Buddies

Tonight the puppy and I joined a friend for a walk (about 2.5 miles).  I almost canceled/rescheduled because I wasn't feeling it (with the crappy day and all).  I decided not to do that, though.  That is what I would normally do.  I'm so happy that I didn't cancel.  It was good to see my friend.  It was good to get out of the house.  We're going to try to get together for walks once a week.

In the Zone (or Out)

Note to self: try things that you thought were outside of your comfort zone.  You may find that they're not, or that they become less so.  You may have fun.  You may not.  And that's okay too.