Oh, by the way...

It may seem like not much has changed, but that's not entirely true.  I set some goals way back when, and although some most still elude me, one major one does not.  I even (sort of) achieved this goal by the deadline that I had set for myself.  Perhaps you've noticed that I haven't blogged as frequently.  This has been partially due to a difficult time sticking with the rules I set for myself, keeping the promises that I make to myself.  However, this has also been due to a happier reason, a lack of as much time because...

Breathe

Today is one of those great days.  It is one of those slow days.  It is one of those calm days.  It is one of those quiet days.  It is one of those peaceful days.

Following day after day of hot (so hot) and humid (so humid) weather, it has cooled.  I turned off the air conditioner and opened the windows.  The puppy is sitting in front of a window, loving the breeze.  I completely understand her affinity for it.  The fresh air alone makes me feel better about the state of the house but not just that...my life.  It all feels less stuffy, less stifling.

I am using today to relax and continue to work on getting the house clean and organized.  I have been doing much better in this regard.  I need to remind myself of this from time to time.  I haven't had piles of dishes (or really even any dishes) sitting in the sink, on the counters, on end tables, on night stands... for days, weeks, months.  I have been keeping up with laundry.  I don't let piles of mail sit on whatever open surface is available for whatever undefined period of time.  The husband and I have conquered some bigger projects around the house as well.  I wish I was better at keeping up with other things (vacuuming), but I wish even more that I was better at not focusing on those things.  And so I continue to work on both of these.

But right now I focus on how great I feel right now, in this moment.  I try to capture it, to hold on to it, so maybe I can bring it out on a day, down the road, that is not quite like today.

The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

No Joke

This is not a joke  I mean it this time.  Really.  I'm committed.  I have to be.  I've already been doing much better.  Better in general.  And also better at maintaining perspective when things aren't all that much better.  And now.  Fresh month, fresh start.

I think it's time for a little spring cleaning on this blog today.  And then it's time to pick up where I left off.  And then it's time to move forward.  Every day.  To grow.  And to shrink.

I will no longer simply make it through each day.

14 Days (Part Deux)

Remember this: I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

Well, here I am again, another 14 days later, and I can definitely say that again.  Only this time it is different.  Just like that, things seemed to change in many ways, things began to look up.  But I can't let all the happiness that I'm feeling these days allow me to become complacent, allow me to abandon this journey, allow me to think that, just like that, I am suddenly so far removed from that place I visited just 14 days ago.  No, it is still there, just steps behind me, or perhaps, lurking around some dark corner that awaits just steps ahead.  Yes, I must appreciate this happiness, live it, enjoy it.  But I must not let it lull me into a sense of calm, delude me into forgetting what sits just below the currently still surface.  Instead, I must prepare for the day when I next face it.  I must ensure that I become well-equipped for dealing with it.  Yes, I am happy today and have been for many recent days.  Yes, I appreciate it, but I must not forget that I can't abandon the baby steps, the building blocks, to achieving long-term, consistent happiness, the kind with real staying power.  There's a lot of work that remains, and I appreciate being in a place where I look forward to it.  And, so, I'm back.

P.S. Oh, and there's a lot of details to fill in from the last month as well.

Reason #2

Because the appropriate initial, organic reaction to the suggestion to take a trip to the Caribbean (and soon) is happiness and excitement (I know!) and not dread and counting of days/calculating how much weight can be lost in the time between now and the trip.  I know that this is not something to complain about (and I'm not, really).  I know, this is not an actual problem.  That is precisely my point.  I love beaches.  I love hot weather.  I love being in the sun.  And I appreciate this trip and will LOVE this trip.  I just want to feel comfortable in a swimsuit my body again for once.  That makes me want to lose weight (and fast!).  It's not just that, though.  Like I've said, I'm doing this the healthy way, the slow, persistent way.  This is not only about making the body changes but the mind changes.  I don't want to only dream of where I'm going but appreciate where I am, what I have...  My happiness does not depend on my size, how I look in a swimsuit...  Until I truly figure this out, I will never be able to stay a certain size, etc. either.

P.S. Yes, I know that I ate a large bowl (okay, 2) of ice cream today.  I'm fine with that.  Sort of.  It was emotional eating.  No judgment, please!

Daydream Believer

2.2 miles walk today in 41 minutes

90 minutes on the elliptical, allegedly resulting in 7.22 miles moved

P.S. I had this really great moment during my walk today.  Nevermind the fact that it almost resulted in me being hit by a car.  (Well, that's dramatic; I'm sure they would have driven around me if I hadn't noticed them.)  Anyway, I entered this totally blissful daydream for a bit on my walk, totally worry-free.  This is very rare for me these days.  I didn't even hear the car behind us until it was right behind us.  I was lost in my own little world, daydreaming of a day when my life will be (even more) fabulous, and we will have wonderful parties in the yard with an outdoor movie on a giant sheet for a screen and white lights and lemonade in mason jars and family and friends chatting happily and lots of loud laughter and yummy (and beautiful) food and drinks and pure joy!  Doesn't it sound so lovely?  It was nice to escape into those thoughts for awhile, and I insist that parties like that will totally happen one day.

That Takes the Cake

 

The sister is the best.  As are cupcakes.  As is chocolate.

Hmm, Compelling

I completed 90 minutes (6.3 miles) on the elliptical this morning.  All I can say is that I suggest watching a show that makes you want to see the end so much that you just keep going.  For me today that was Dateline.  I originally put in 60 minutes for my workout time (plus a five minute cool down).  However, I didn't realize that the full episode online had bonus material, so I figured why not keep going if I'm going to be watching it anyway. 

Later the puppy and I completed our 2.2 miles (39 minutes).  We almost didn't go that far.  It was so windy, and I wanted to quit from the beginning.  I fought that all the way to the halfway point.  I was arguing with myself the whole way.  Oh, shit; it's cold!  It's about to get colder...better get used to it.  I drank too much water on the elliptical (true) and am totally going to pee my pants (false).  Keep going.  You won't pee yourself; you'll just walk faster.

P.S. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.  I look at myself differently.  I have a less delusional body image.   Actually, I'm probably equally delusional but with better self-esteem.  When I showered after the elliptical, I could swear my thighs looked smaller and more toned (riiiggghhht).  They also looked smaller in my shadow later on our walk, just like that.  I like my face better after exercising too.  My reflection somehow magically changes.  I could swear it looked thinner as I brushed my teeth, my skin looked clearer...

6 Smalls Things That Aren't So Small

1. I called the sister and asked if she wanted to pick a day each week to study/apply for jobs together.  We would normally end the call on yeah, let's do that.  We would then not do that.  Instead, we picked a day/time for next week.

2. I emailed my long distance workout buddy, Ann, and asked if she wanted to start checking in with each other again.  We will be in contact weekly to report on our progress.

3. I sent a message to my friend, Elizabeth, and asked if she wanted to go on a walk this week.  We're going tonight.  It's going to be cold.  I'm still going.

4. I sent a message to the (older) brother to say hi.

5. I called the paternal grandma.  At the end of the call she said that I had "made her day."  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "you've done good."

6. I called the maternal grandma.  We talked for over two hours.  She made me feel encouraged about my job search.  She said she's been praying for me.  She said maybe she would have to make a visit to a certain city too.  She was referring to where my grandfather is buried.  She said, "maybe I need to ask (your grandpa) for assistance."  My grandfather was a minister, our family's spiritual leader really.  The reference to him and prayer brought me peace and calm.  I don't pray that often anymore.  It's hard for me to explain.  It's hard for me to understand.  I'm not sure what I think. 

A Grandpa is...

 someone you never outgrow your need for. -Author unknown

...watching t.v.  This girl's grandpa came over, and she came bounding down the stairs to greet him, so happy overjoyed to see him.  She hugged him like she didn't ever want to let go.  This broke my heart a little.  I miss him.

Happy New Year!

It was at the start of November last year that I set several goals for myself.  I had set many of them before.  This was another go-round at what I set out to do many times before.  I created a 5 page Word document that  detailed how I was going to accomplish the well-rounded, healthy life that I've been craving for so long.  There were deadlines at the end of the month, the start of the new year, my birthday, and deadlines  for mini-goals (stepping stones to ultimate goals) along the way.  

And here I am a year later, largely in the same spot.  So I have decided that I do not want to enter 2012 with these still on my resolution list.  I am sick of saying I will start tomorrow or on the first or after Thanksgiving or after Christmas or at the start of the New Year.  So I am just declaring today the start of a new year.  I had intended to write this post on the first, but I am not going to allow this to delay my progress any further.  I will just start now.  I want a job now.  I want to be thinner by the time we take family pictures at Thanksgiving.  I want to enter 2012 feeling healthy, organized, relaxed, and ready to enjoy the years ahead.  So, Happy New Year!  The healthier habits I'm going to put in place over the next several weeks are below.  As I've already started, I'm going to continue to slowly add these items through Tuesday's To-Do's, while working on others through separate projects (Project Find a Job, for example).

Autumnal Tints

The sister and I took the puppies on a walk again today.  That was our view.  So beautiful.  Happiness.  I find it really helps to have a walking buddy.  I would estimate that we walked 1.57 miles.  Ha, that figure sounds hilarious!  (I came up with that number based on the time we spent walking and my previous walking speeds.)  

 Guess what else?
Puppy? bathed
Faxes? faxed
Car? washed
Cash? deposited
Mail? picked up/sent
Lawn? mowed

P.S. The interview was a waste of my time (and that was after they kept me waiting for 40 minutes.  I had an appointment).  It wasn't even good practice.  The posting indicated that "multiple opportunities" were available.  There was one.  That position was basically an entry-level, clerical position.  The posting gave no indication of this.  From the beginning, it was clear to both me and the woman conducting the interview that this would not be a good fit.  I sent them my resume.  They should have reviewed my educational and professional background and realized that.  I'm not really sure why they even called.   Rude.  Unprofessional.
A word to describe my job search? Insulting.

Workout Buddies

Tonight the puppy and I joined a friend for a walk (about 2.5 miles).  I almost canceled/rescheduled because I wasn't feeling it (with the crappy day and all).  I decided not to do that, though.  That is what I would normally do.  I'm so happy that I didn't cancel.  It was good to see my friend.  It was good to get out of the house.  We're going to try to get together for walks once a week.

Tradition

I'm getting ready to head out to the football game with the family.  This is one of the things that consistently makes me happy, spending fall weekends with the family at the games.  I'm excited.  I'm happy.  I'm in a great mood, even though I'm up before 7:00.  I could use a coffee, though.

Body Movin

  

The puppy and I just went on a 3.5 mile walk.  It took us 71 minutes.  It was hilly.  My legs hurt.  This is satisfying.  I am happy.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

I have problems going to bed at night.  I often feel exhausted.  It would be so helpful to feel well-rested.  Yet, I still struggle with setting a sleep schedule.  Last night, though, I went to bed early (for me).  I got up early this morning.  I opened the blinds right away.  I got out of bed right away.  I got 7 hours of sleep.  I feel great.  I'm moving.  I'm getting stuff done.  I am happy.  (Take note, self.)

"October is the fallen leaf, but it is also a wider horizon more clearly seen." -Hal Borland

A cool autumn night is the perfect time to curl up with a big cup of cocoa with (a lot) of Bailey's, crawl under a a fuzzy blanket, and watch a movie I've been wanting to see for so long (Black Swan).  I'm warm, calm, relaxed... Welcome, October; it's so nice to see you.

2a: a state of well-being and contentment

It's been awhile.  Where have I been? What have I been doing? Let me give you a little insight into me (soon-to-be old me).  Here's a bit of a journal entry circa September 2008...yes, 2008.  So let's take a little look @ the old  Ele.

Deja Vu

I’m Ele.  I recently resolved (once again) to change my life, to better myself, to enjoy at least one thing in each day, to be more appreciative, to build stronger relationships, to smile and laugh more, to judge myself less harshly, to worry less, to become more organized, to eat better, to exercise consistently, to be well-rested, to be healthy, to be happy, to be present, to take part in life instead of letting it pass me by.   

Before that I turned 30.  Before that I lost my job.  Before that I gained (more) weight (rapidly).  Before that I became (very) depressed (and angry).  Before (and after) that I lost many (very) loved ones.   

Of course there has been a lot in between all of this as well, lots of it happy and exciting (an engagement, graduations, moves, getting a dog, vacations, a wedding, a first home…), lots of it ordinary (errands, chores, bills, meals…).  This blog is about all of those things; it’s a place for me to reflect on my past and my journey towards fulfilling my dreams for my future.  Feel free to eavesdrop.