14 Days (Part Deux)

Remember this: I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

Well, here I am again, another 14 days later, and I can definitely say that again.  Only this time it is different.  Just like that, things seemed to change in many ways, things began to look up.  But I can't let all the happiness that I'm feeling these days allow me to become complacent, allow me to abandon this journey, allow me to think that, just like that, I am suddenly so far removed from that place I visited just 14 days ago.  No, it is still there, just steps behind me, or perhaps, lurking around some dark corner that awaits just steps ahead.  Yes, I must appreciate this happiness, live it, enjoy it.  But I must not let it lull me into a sense of calm, delude me into forgetting what sits just below the currently still surface.  Instead, I must prepare for the day when I next face it.  I must ensure that I become well-equipped for dealing with it.  Yes, I am happy today and have been for many recent days.  Yes, I appreciate it, but I must not forget that I can't abandon the baby steps, the building blocks, to achieving long-term, consistent happiness, the kind with real staying power.  There's a lot of work that remains, and I appreciate being in a place where I look forward to it.  And, so, I'm back.

P.S. Oh, and there's a lot of details to fill in from the last month as well.

New Rule:

Shower as soon as I wake up (well, after taking the puppy out and feeding her).  I am not allowed to turn my computer or the t.v. on or do anything else not included in that parenthetical prior to my shower.  It helps me to feel refreshed and motivated to get going.  I need this.  I need this early in my day.  I need this every day.  Otherwise, I end up trapped (in front of my computer, in front of the t.v., in bed, on the couch...in my head) for (much, most, all of) the day.

14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...

Reason #2

Because the appropriate initial, organic reaction to the suggestion to take a trip to the Caribbean (and soon) is happiness and excitement (I know!) and not dread and counting of days/calculating how much weight can be lost in the time between now and the trip.  I know that this is not something to complain about (and I'm not, really).  I know, this is not an actual problem.  That is precisely my point.  I love beaches.  I love hot weather.  I love being in the sun.  And I appreciate this trip and will LOVE this trip.  I just want to feel comfortable in a swimsuit my body again for once.  That makes me want to lose weight (and fast!).  It's not just that, though.  Like I've said, I'm doing this the healthy way, the slow, persistent way.  This is not only about making the body changes but the mind changes.  I don't want to only dream of where I'm going but appreciate where I am, what I have...  My happiness does not depend on my size, how I look in a swimsuit...  Until I truly figure this out, I will never be able to stay a certain size, etc. either.

P.S. Yes, I know that I ate a large bowl (okay, 2) of ice cream today.  I'm fine with that.  Sort of.  It was emotional eating.  No judgment, please!

Rocky Road

Because sometimes when you're on one, you need want some a lot.

I know that I'm being vague, and I know that it's so annoying when people do that.  I'm just struggling...with my need to talk about this.  I mean, I created this blog because I needed a place to get this all out, figure this out.  However, I'm torn between my desire to be open, honest but to also protect the innocent guilty.  Suffice it to say that I have been down this road far too many times, and this continual conflict has contributed greatly to where I am, the things that I'm working on changing.  It has repeatedly derailed me, but I am getting much better at not letting it impact me like it once did.  Still, there is much that is not within my control, and it is just...difficult (to put it far too mildly).

Seeking Serenity

This is late, yes, but needed, indeed.  I haven't updated for days, true.  I haven't exercised for days, yes (at least not since a short puppy walk on Thanksgiving).  Things were busy and great and unhealthy but fun, so healthy in that way, true.  And then all of a sudden things were not, were bad, stressful, deja vu, I'd been there before, with her before.  Vague, yes.  However, I don't even know where to begin, so, for now, I just really won't.  I will simply say (and continue to repeat to myself): Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yes, please do.

Please Take Note

Today I completed 7.7 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes).  My time for the initial 5k of this workout was 31:05!  I know; I'm a total badass.  Now I'm going to go paint my nails.  Yes, that was off-topic.

You Win Some, You Gain Some

So, today was a weigh in day, and I did.  It was disappointing, but I'm letting that go.  I'm up about a pound and a half.  I have been doing what I should be, though, exercising, eating better, watching portion sizes... So, I will not let this get me down.  The results will eventually show, and I must remind myself that it is only a number.  I will make adjustments to try to find something that works for me.  Still, my first goal deadline is now nine days away and seems even more challenging (especially with Thanksgiving lurking a couple of days away).  With that in mind, though, I will remember to appreciate the progress I have made continue making.

P.S. I completed another 90 minutes on the elliptical but waited until very late this evening to work out.  It showed.  I was tired and only got 5.4 miles in, and I don't even want to mention my initial 5k time for this workout (okay, close to 50 minutes!).  I am grateful that I stuck with it, though, and didn't abandon the workout all together.

Wanna Race?

I've been trying to better my time, during every walk or elliptical workout.  So far I haven't been doing that well at this.  Today, though...

2.2 walk in record time (36 minutes)

Oh, yeah, 2.2 walk yesterday (41 minutes)

Edit: P.S. I also completed another 7.82 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes)  My time for the initial 5k of this workout: 34:38

Where I was, Where I am, Where I'm going

I thought I would provide a snapshot of where I'm at in my weight loss journey without doing the dreaded task of actually sharing the numbers.  I'm not even halfway to my goal, but I plan to make up ground quickly.  Stay tuned.

Oh, and also...

.5 mile walk - 13 minutes

7.14 miles on elliptical - 90 minutes

9.75

Walk: 2.2 miles (41 minutes)

Elliptical: 7.55 miles (95 minutes)

The Toaster

I have this toaster.  I've had it for over ten years.  It's not that advanced; it's nothing fancy.  I figure toasters don't really need to be.  It only has two slots. I don't toast more than two pieces of bread at once anyway.  If the husband and I both want bagels - and yes, the slots are (barely) wide enough to fit bagels - one of us can wait a few minutes until the other is done.  It's not like we're that crunched for time. It works just fine, most of the time.  Sometimes you have to mess around with the settings a little, get it in just the right spot by the word medium so that your bread or bagel or waffle or whatever gets toasted enough but not  burnt.  It's not a problem, though; we've figured out how to get it just so.  The toaster is white (now kind of yellowing).  Our other small appliances are stainless steal.  We registered for them when we got married a few years ago.  I didn't register for a new toaster.  I didn't want one.  The toaster was a gift from the uncle one Christmas.  Our family had bought him a new toaster that year, one of the fancy ones, with four, wide slots to accommodate big bagels and different settings to toast items just so.  He laughed when he opened it.  He had just bought himself a new toaster.  The mom said he could return ours for something new.  He said, "No, Ele is going to college next year and will need a toaster for her dorm room.  I will give her the one that I just bought and keep this one."  And so, that is how I came to have my current toaster.  I did take it with me to college.  He helped me move in that first weekend there, a weekend I will always cherish.  The husband calls it a sentimental toaster; it's an apt description. The uncle gave it to me the Christmas before he fell very ill, shortly after moving me into my dorm.  He was with us for the following Christmas, but that was his last.  It was that first year without him that I began to fall apart.  I like my toaster.  It works just fine.  I can't believe that I've had it for over ten years now.  I don't know when I'll get a new one.  

Daydream Believer

2.2 miles walk today in 41 minutes

90 minutes on the elliptical, allegedly resulting in 7.22 miles moved

P.S. I had this really great moment during my walk today.  Nevermind the fact that it almost resulted in me being hit by a car.  (Well, that's dramatic; I'm sure they would have driven around me if I hadn't noticed them.)  Anyway, I entered this totally blissful daydream for a bit on my walk, totally worry-free.  This is very rare for me these days.  I didn't even hear the car behind us until it was right behind us.  I was lost in my own little world, daydreaming of a day when my life will be (even more) fabulous, and we will have wonderful parties in the yard with an outdoor movie on a giant sheet for a screen and white lights and lemonade in mason jars and family and friends chatting happily and lots of loud laughter and yummy (and beautiful) food and drinks and pure joy!  Doesn't it sound so lovely?  It was nice to escape into those thoughts for awhile, and I insist that parties like that will totally happen one day.

Stay Calm and Elliptical

Well, I haven't had the best day.  Finally, after sitting paralyzed in sheer panic for some time, I decided I should quit wasting my time.  If I wasn't going to send in applications, I should at least get a workout in.  And I did.  I figured if I could do an hour and a half before there was no reason that I shouldn't do it again.  And I did.  I allegedly ran an extra mile this time too (who knows with these machines).  Still, mark me down for 7.25 miles today.  It feels good to say that.  Now, after a long, hot shower and something to eat, I am feeling better.  The anxiety is gone. Note to self: exercise helps (a lot).  Now to those applications...

Staring Blankly Ahead

...staring out the window, feeling nauseous and agitated this morning.  I'm just about to apply for jobs; that's all. It's what's bringing it on, though; I know. I am experiencing extreme anxiety.  It's about the need for a job and the fact that I've been avoiding even thinking about the urgency of having one.  I need to get back to work, get out of the house, get on with my career...now.  Because the holidays are approaching, and I'm sure that hiring will stall,  I feel this extreme pressure to apply for everything, right now.  I am trying hard not to start freaking out.  I'm sure applying will make it go away, but right now it's holding me back from getting started, on anything. ...must work through this.

Cheers!

 

Because it's been that sort of day.  And because a chocolate cupcake deserves 

to be washed down with an equally delicious beverage.  Happy Friday!

That Takes the Cake

 

The sister is the best.  As are cupcakes.  As is chocolate.

Just Sayin'

I do not feel well today.  I am tired.  I am unmotivated.  I have no energy.  I have a headache.  I look terrible.  I haven't gotten to anything I wanted to do today.  I've been trying to cope with overwhelming and totally irrational anxiety.  I haven't felt such a strong desire to nap in days.  ...a reminder of what's always lurking if...

I didn't drink enough water yesterday (only had 3, 8 oz. glasses).  I didn't walk the puppy.  I didn't exercise on the elliptical.  I went to bed an hour later and got up an hour later than I had the previous three days.  There were reasons.  I was getting a lot done around the house.  I decided to go out for drinks. (I feel it's important in terms of working on social anxiety and my tendency to close off relationships when I'm depressed.)  However, I still think that it is worth noting my lack of effort on my health-related to-do's yesterday and the state that I'm in today.  So...noted. I must remember to make taking care of myself a priority.

Your Face Will Freeze That Way

...met my friend, Elizabeth, tonight for a walk.  I'd say we got in about 3 miles in 55 minutes (and lots of talk).  It's cold out there.  My face is still cold.  This cup of hot chocolate should help.  Cheers!

Hmm, Compelling

I completed 90 minutes (6.3 miles) on the elliptical this morning.  All I can say is that I suggest watching a show that makes you want to see the end so much that you just keep going.  For me today that was Dateline.  I originally put in 60 minutes for my workout time (plus a five minute cool down).  However, I didn't realize that the full episode online had bonus material, so I figured why not keep going if I'm going to be watching it anyway. 

Later the puppy and I completed our 2.2 miles (39 minutes).  We almost didn't go that far.  It was so windy, and I wanted to quit from the beginning.  I fought that all the way to the halfway point.  I was arguing with myself the whole way.  Oh, shit; it's cold!  It's about to get colder...better get used to it.  I drank too much water on the elliptical (true) and am totally going to pee my pants (false).  Keep going.  You won't pee yourself; you'll just walk faster.

P.S. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.  I look at myself differently.  I have a less delusional body image.   Actually, I'm probably equally delusional but with better self-esteem.  When I showered after the elliptical, I could swear my thighs looked smaller and more toned (riiiggghhht).  They also looked smaller in my shadow later on our walk, just like that.  I like my face better after exercising too.  My reflection somehow magically changes.  I could swear it looked thinner as I brushed my teeth, my skin looked clearer...

6 Smalls Things That Aren't So Small

1. I called the sister and asked if she wanted to pick a day each week to study/apply for jobs together.  We would normally end the call on yeah, let's do that.  We would then not do that.  Instead, we picked a day/time for next week.

2. I emailed my long distance workout buddy, Ann, and asked if she wanted to start checking in with each other again.  We will be in contact weekly to report on our progress.

3. I sent a message to my friend, Elizabeth, and asked if she wanted to go on a walk this week.  We're going tonight.  It's going to be cold.  I'm still going.

4. I sent a message to the (older) brother to say hi.

5. I called the paternal grandma.  At the end of the call she said that I had "made her day."  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "you've done good."

6. I called the maternal grandma.  We talked for over two hours.  She made me feel encouraged about my job search.  She said she's been praying for me.  She said maybe she would have to make a visit to a certain city too.  She was referring to where my grandfather is buried.  She said, "maybe I need to ask (your grandpa) for assistance."  My grandfather was a minister, our family's spiritual leader really.  The reference to him and prayer brought me peace and calm.  I don't pray that often anymore.  It's hard for me to explain.  It's hard for me to understand.  I'm not sure what I think. 

You Snooze, You Win

Guess who went to bed at 11:30/12ish last night?  Guess who woke up at 7:00?  Guess who did not close her eyes and try to go back to sleep but got right out of bed instead?

The second load of laundry is in the washing machine.  Breakfast is consumed.  A load of dishes is in the dishwasher.  Pandora is on.  The internet has been read.

Reason #1

I feel horrified by the expansion of my flesh, ashamed that it matters to me so much, and defiant that I do not feel comfortable in my body. -Sark

The husband and I were going somewhere recently.  He was driving.  I kept catching glimpses of my face in the side mirror.  I found myself staring, at my reflection and then down at my thighs.  It happens when I start up my computer as well.  I catch my reflection in the screen and am disgusted. I am tired of hating my appearance, hating my body.  I am tired of looking at myself and seeing a double chin, jowls, a huge neck, giant arms, swollen fingers, muffin top, pooch, love handles, fupa (yes, I said it), saddlebags, cellulite, stretch marks, cankles...  You name it.

Reason #1? 

See Below Please

2.6 miles - 47 minutes

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

Stuck on Repeat

Confession: This has been my day for the last several days (peppered with moments that have been quite the opposite, pure happiness, more on that later).  I am so depressed, not the sad and lonely and weeping kind (I have those days too)...but the feel nothing at times kind...the largely blank kind...the sit in bed, watch t.v., mindlessly read the internet, and then later hate myself kind...the struggle to shower kind...the overeating kind...the barely sleeping kind...the plan-without-doing kind...the later feel guilty kind...the then feel like a worthless failure kind...the completely overwhelmed and scared but hiding from it and ignoring it kind.

A Grandpa is...

 someone you never outgrow your need for. -Author unknown

...watching t.v.  This girl's grandpa came over, and she came bounding down the stairs to greet him, so happy overjoyed to see him.  She hugged him like she didn't ever want to let go.  This broke my heart a little.  I miss him.

Measure Up

I've decided to weigh in weekly now.  It's not working for me to weigh in on only the 15th and 30th, probably because I haven't been weighing in on the 15th and the 30th.  Even though I didn't post it here, I took a picture of the scale on my last weigh in.  It just came to my attention that that was on August 30th.  Wow!  Time flies...  

I've only lost a little over 4 pounds in the last 2+ months.  While I'm happy that I haven't gained overall, my weight has been fluctuating, and this isn't even my low point over the last two months.  Once I lose weight, I don't want to gain it back, even if I'm still ending with a net loss.  I also need to focus on a more rapid rate of loss because as was mentioned in my previous entry, despite losing a decent amount of weight over the last several months, I am considered obese.  Ugh!

I am going to weigh in on the 7th, 15th, 21st, and 30th of each month (7th, 14th, 21st, & 29th of February).  I am going to take my measurements and maybe pictures on the 30th of each month.

...Before Which Something Must Be Done

My Weight Loss Deadlines:

November 30 - Move from obese (Yeah, I said it...sigh!) to overweight.

December 15 - Meet mini-goal 2 (Nope, I don't currently intend to disclose these mini goals.  It was hard enough to admit that I'm considered obese.)

December 30 - Meet mini-goal 3

January 15 - Meet mini-goal 4 (maybe announce the total amount lost over previous year)

January 30 - Meet mini-goal 5

February 14 - Move from overweight to "normal"

February 29 - Meet mini-goal 7

March 15 - Meet mini-goal 8

March 30 - Meet mini-goal 9

April 15 - Meet mini-goal 10

April 30 - Meet mini-goal 11

May 15 - Meet mini-goal 12

May 30 -  Reach goal weight (Maybe announce total weight loss, maybe)

Happy New Year!

It was at the start of November last year that I set several goals for myself.  I had set many of them before.  This was another go-round at what I set out to do many times before.  I created a 5 page Word document that  detailed how I was going to accomplish the well-rounded, healthy life that I've been craving for so long.  There were deadlines at the end of the month, the start of the new year, my birthday, and deadlines  for mini-goals (stepping stones to ultimate goals) along the way.  

And here I am a year later, largely in the same spot.  So I have decided that I do not want to enter 2012 with these still on my resolution list.  I am sick of saying I will start tomorrow or on the first or after Thanksgiving or after Christmas or at the start of the New Year.  So I am just declaring today the start of a new year.  I had intended to write this post on the first, but I am not going to allow this to delay my progress any further.  I will just start now.  I want a job now.  I want to be thinner by the time we take family pictures at Thanksgiving.  I want to enter 2012 feeling healthy, organized, relaxed, and ready to enjoy the years ahead.  So, Happy New Year!  The healthier habits I'm going to put in place over the next several weeks are below.  As I've already started, I'm going to continue to slowly add these items through Tuesday's To-Do's, while working on others through separate projects (Project Find a Job, for example).

It's Cold Outside

The husband and I took the puppy on a very short walk (.5 mile), but it still counts.  It's getting cold out there.  At the end I turned to him and said, "this wind blows."  Bahaha!  I cracked myself up with that one, mostly because there was truly no pun intended.  He did not react.  He's become quite good at this.  This just entertains me more because I know he is secretly very amused by me, clearly. Bahaha!

P.S. I know that today is a weigh-in day, and I've been missing these days lately.  However, this weigh-in will come late too because I am away from my scale.  My weight has been fluctuating a bit in recent days, but overall, I am down about five more pounds.

Autumnal Tints

The sister and I took the puppies on a walk again today.  That was our view.  So beautiful.  Happiness.  I find it really helps to have a walking buddy.  I would estimate that we walked 1.57 miles.  Ha, that figure sounds hilarious!  (I came up with that number based on the time we spent walking and my previous walking speeds.)  

 Guess what else?
Puppy? bathed
Faxes? faxed
Car? washed
Cash? deposited
Mail? picked up/sent
Lawn? mowed

P.S. The interview was a waste of my time (and that was after they kept me waiting for 40 minutes.  I had an appointment).  It wasn't even good practice.  The posting indicated that "multiple opportunities" were available.  There was one.  That position was basically an entry-level, clerical position.  The posting gave no indication of this.  From the beginning, it was clear to both me and the woman conducting the interview that this would not be a good fit.  I sent them my resume.  They should have reviewed my educational and professional background and realized that.  I'm not really sure why they even called.   Rude.  Unprofessional.
A word to describe my job search? Insulting.

Silver Lining

Confession: I haven't had an interview for awhile.  I have one coming up, though, so I just tried on my suit.  Um, yeah, those high-waisted pants definitely sit much lower now!  They'll still work, which is good because I don't think I would quite fit into any of my smaller suits, and I have no time/desire/money to go shopping.

Workout Buddies

Tonight the puppy and I joined a friend for a walk (about 2.5 miles).  I almost canceled/rescheduled because I wasn't feeling it (with the crappy day and all).  I decided not to do that, though.  That is what I would normally do.  I'm so happy that I didn't cancel.  It was good to see my friend.  It was good to get out of the house.  We're going to try to get together for walks once a week.

Apply Yourself

I'm struggling.  I have been this whole week.  I have been doing my best to resist it, but it's not working.  My sleep schedule is extremely disrupted, and it's causing me to drag (majorly).  Then I'm beating myself up because I feel like I'm getting nothing done.  In reality I have been continuing with my baby steps, but I've also been avoiding. 

Tradition

I'm getting ready to head out to the football game with the family.  This is one of the things that consistently makes me happy, spending fall weekends with the family at the games.  I'm excited.  I'm happy.  I'm in a great mood, even though I'm up before 7:00.  I could use a coffee, though.

In the Zone (or Out)

Note to self: try things that you thought were outside of your comfort zone.  You may find that they're not, or that they become less so.  You may have fun.  You may not.  And that's okay too.

Shush

I've been battling my thoughts this week.  I have a real problem with negative self talk.  I have a problem with doubting myself.  I have nagging worry, always there.  I'm constantly trying to quiet her annoying voice.  I recently heard someone describe anxiety as a feeling of impending doom.  "Yes, that's it," I thought to myself.  Not, oh, yeah, that's what I've been struggling with; I already knew what that feeling in the pit of my stomach was from.  I just had no idea how to describe the feeling; it's more of a you know it when you feel it sort of thing. That's what I've been feeling all week.  Dread.  Fear.  Panic. 

Body Movin

  

The puppy and I just went on a 3.5 mile walk.  It took us 71 minutes.  It was hilly.  My legs hurt.  This is satisfying.  I am happy.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

I have problems going to bed at night.  I often feel exhausted.  It would be so helpful to feel well-rested.  Yet, I still struggle with setting a sleep schedule.  Last night, though, I went to bed early (for me).  I got up early this morning.  I opened the blinds right away.  I got out of bed right away.  I got 7 hours of sleep.  I feel great.  I'm moving.  I'm getting stuff done.  I am happy.  (Take note, self.)

"October is the fallen leaf, but it is also a wider horizon more clearly seen." -Hal Borland

A cool autumn night is the perfect time to curl up with a big cup of cocoa with (a lot) of Bailey's, crawl under a a fuzzy blanket, and watch a movie I've been wanting to see for so long (Black Swan).  I'm warm, calm, relaxed... Welcome, October; it's so nice to see you.

2a: a state of well-being and contentment

It's been awhile.  Where have I been? What have I been doing? Let me give you a little insight into me (soon-to-be old me).  Here's a bit of a journal entry circa September 2008...yes, 2008.  So let's take a little look @ the old  Ele.

Untitled

There is a man on Intervention tonight that really reminds me of my dad. It is too much for me right now.  I am a mess. I should not have been watching this show anyway. I cannot watch it without crying sobbing.  It was particularly bad tonight because I have already been spiraling (even further) downward for the last week or so.  Then because I was thinking of my dad I pulled out old letters from him and my grandpa and my uncle.  I think maybe I shouldn't have done that.  I feel very defeated.  I feel very alone.  I feel very sad.

No Rest for the Weary

Some days are good.  Some days are bad.

I'm struggling.  I'm tired.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm anxious.

6 Numbers I'll Share

Hint: My weight is not one of the numbers  Hint: Neither is my clothing size.  I'll write more about my thoughts on this at some point in the future.  Right now I'm in a hurry to get out the door.  My world is spinning so quickly these days. 

Also, I did weigh in yesterday.  I took my measurements as well even though it wasn't measurement day.  I was curious.  I am still sitting at my lowest weight since I began working on this in mid-January.  There has been no loss or gain recently, but I haven't been getting in a lot of exercise.  Confession: Some fast food has found its way back into my diet as well.

As I said, there are certain numbers I'm not sharing (at least at this point).  I have a couple of different reasons for that, which I may talk about at a later time.  However, I do think recording numbers can be a great way to hold oneself accountable.  Seeing numbers decrease (or increase, in the case of miles logged) is also a great way to notice that work is paying off and to provide encouragement. 

With that in mind, the 6 numbers I'll share:
1) My BMI has gone down by 2.
2) I've lost 1/2 an inch off my neck.
3) I've lost 1/2 an inch off each bicep.
4) I've lost 2 inches off my waist.
5) I've lost 1 inch off each thigh.
6) I've lost 1 inch off my hips.

This makes me smile.  Satisfaction.  Motivation.  As I've said, I started trying to lose weight (again) in the middle of January.  This time I've been trying to do it the right way.  ...no more yo-yo diets.  Instead I've been working to change my eating habits and to exercise more regularly.  It is a learning process.  I have regular setbacks and disappointments, but I want to finally reach a healthy weight and stay there.  I'm sticking with it. 

I didn't even record measurements until early in April; so these numbers don't reflect changes from the very beginning when some of my largest weight loss was happening each week.  Honestly, I couldn't bear to see the numbers at that point.  I felt ashamed.  Today I am proud of myself.

Who knows when I will update again.  Life is so busy right now.  These days I don't get home until well after:

Sunset in Middle America

And I knew for sure I was loved

I woke up this morning from a haunting dream.  I feel kind of down.  When I have these sorts of dreams (and I have them from time to time), I have a hard time shaking this melancholy feeling.  

I was at a funeral, for my father. 

Steps

Yesterday the puppy & I went on a 2.2 mile walk.  (Yes, we get credit for the .2 mile as well.)  We walked it in 42 minutes, the time that Google maps said it would take us.  That bullshit has to change.  I find Google's time estimates to be incredibly conservative.  I always beat it in the car (that's what he said); we need to pick up the pace.

"Make your feet your friend." -J.M. Barrie

I've added a place in the left sidebar to keep track of the miles I log during this journey.  I thought this would  be another great way for me to hold myself accountable.  I'll also probably leave details in the fine print at the the bottom of individual blog entries, so I can look back on what I did each day.  It will be satisfying to see the numbers add up.  For now I'm going to keep track of the miles that I walk, bike, and elliptical.  Later I hope to add miles hiked.  Maybe one day I'll add miles ran. The first mile of many was logged today on a walk with the puppy.  I'm excited!

Momentum

Sometimes all I need to do to feel (A LOT) better is force myself to get up, take a long, hot shower, comb my hair, put on fresh clothes, play a little fetch with the puppy, and have dinner with the husband.  I feel refreshed and ready to get some stuff done.  I just need to keep moving.

Black Dog

I am trying making gradual progress, but let me be honest.  This takes an amazing amount of energy for me, and I feel like I have none.  I am depressed.  I have been for a long time, and it is crippling, exhausting.  My mind is filled with so much self-doubt (hatred?) and criticism.  It is so easy for me to focus on all that I do wrong and all that I have left to accomplish. I feel embarrassed talking about it.  I think many people don't understand.  I know many people think it's laziness and excuses.  My inner critic happens to agree with them.  I so desperately want to do better, to feel better.  

Every day is hard.  I find it even more difficult because I try to hide it and pretend that I am fine (depression is a very taboo thing). This is made all the more impossible challenging by the fact that I am tired, every day.  I am irritable, every day.  I am sad, every day.  I find it hard to just get in the shower, every day.  It is hard to eat when I should (let alone what and how much I should), every day.  It is hard to leave my bed, leave my house (let alone exercise  and finish the errands and chores that I need to), every day.  It is such a terrible cycle to find one's self in.  You need to do these things to gain the energy, self esteem, etc. that you need to do these things.

For now, I'm encouraging myself with even the smallest of victories.  I had breakfast.  I finally returned calls and texts (from yesterday).  It's so easy to go inside your own head and avoid interactions with others.  It's easier to hide then too (at least that's what I delude myself into thinking).  I took deep breaths during one call and remained patient (maybe more on that relationship at a later time).  I took care of the puppy.  I think I'm making her depressed too, and I feel so guilty.  

I'm trying to do one thing at a time and not focus on everything else that is in front of me.  I'm trying to focus on the most simple tasks.  It's hard.  I want to fast forward, but that desire indicates that I'm missing the point of this project that I have created for myself.  The truth is that even if I were to fast forward right now, I would find myself exactly where I am now.  I have to live each day, the accomplishments, the setbacks, the exciting, the boring, the successes, the mistakes...  It is only through doing this that I will find myself in a better place somewhere down the road.  The sooner I start taking the steps, the sooner I can get there.

Still, I can't wait for the day when I re-read this post and don't remember what this felt like.

Deja Vu

I’m Ele.  I recently resolved (once again) to change my life, to better myself, to enjoy at least one thing in each day, to be more appreciative, to build stronger relationships, to smile and laugh more, to judge myself less harshly, to worry less, to become more organized, to eat better, to exercise consistently, to be well-rested, to be healthy, to be happy, to be present, to take part in life instead of letting it pass me by.   

Before that I turned 30.  Before that I lost my job.  Before that I gained (more) weight (rapidly).  Before that I became (very) depressed (and angry).  Before (and after) that I lost many (very) loved ones.   

Of course there has been a lot in between all of this as well, lots of it happy and exciting (an engagement, graduations, moves, getting a dog, vacations, a wedding, a first home…), lots of it ordinary (errands, chores, bills, meals…).  This blog is about all of those things; it’s a place for me to reflect on my past and my journey towards fulfilling my dreams for my future.  Feel free to eavesdrop.