Oh, by the way...

It may seem like not much has changed, but that's not entirely true.  I set some goals way back when, and although some most still elude me, one major one does not.  I even (sort of) achieved this goal by the deadline that I had set for myself.  Perhaps you've noticed that I haven't blogged as frequently.  This has been partially due to a difficult time sticking with the rules I set for myself, keeping the promises that I make to myself.  However, this has also been due to a happier reason, a lack of as much time because...

Shifting Gears

I have been moving a (very) little bit.  I met my workout (and general) buddy, Elizabeth, for a walk around one the lakes here in town last weekend (3.1 miles)  Then the puppy and I had a couple of walks last week (also totaling 3.1 miles).  Today the puppy, husband, and I went on a .9 mile walk.  I still need to increase frequency and intensity and be consistent with the exercise.  I am gaining weight.  I lost almost 30 pounds in a year.  (There, there is a firm number for you.)  I could have and should have done better.  Even worse, though, over the last few months, I have slowly put about half of that back on.  This must be reversed.  Now.

Breathe

Today is one of those great days.  It is one of those slow days.  It is one of those calm days.  It is one of those quiet days.  It is one of those peaceful days.

Following day after day of hot (so hot) and humid (so humid) weather, it has cooled.  I turned off the air conditioner and opened the windows.  The puppy is sitting in front of a window, loving the breeze.  I completely understand her affinity for it.  The fresh air alone makes me feel better about the state of the house but not just that...my life.  It all feels less stuffy, less stifling.

I am using today to relax and continue to work on getting the house clean and organized.  I have been doing much better in this regard.  I need to remind myself of this from time to time.  I haven't had piles of dishes (or really even any dishes) sitting in the sink, on the counters, on end tables, on night stands... for days, weeks, months.  I have been keeping up with laundry.  I don't let piles of mail sit on whatever open surface is available for whatever undefined period of time.  The husband and I have conquered some bigger projects around the house as well.  I wish I was better at keeping up with other things (vacuuming), but I wish even more that I was better at not focusing on those things.  And so I continue to work on both of these.

But right now I focus on how great I feel right now, in this moment.  I try to capture it, to hold on to it, so maybe I can bring it out on a day, down the road, that is not quite like today.

Reason #3

Because I would like to be able to easily take my wedding ring on and off again (without Windex).

Haves and Have-Nots

It is okay.  I have not exercised (yesterday or today).  I have been eating at home. I have been eating well.  I have been getting laundry and cleaning done.  I have been developing a schedule.  Perhaps the most important step in that, the foundation?  I have been going to bed "early" and focusing on getting up in the morning.  I got eight hours of sleep last night (rare).  I slept straight through the night (rarer).  I am still tired.  This will take time.  But I am committed.  On that note...

The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

New Rules:

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical.  I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours.  When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off.  I fall asleep with it on.  I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions.  It is setting me back.  I mindlessly surf the internet.  It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.  

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now).  I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well.  I chose healthy meal options.  I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile).  I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k).  I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.  

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

No Joke

This is not a joke  I mean it this time.  Really.  I'm committed.  I have to be.  I've already been doing much better.  Better in general.  And also better at maintaining perspective when things aren't all that much better.  And now.  Fresh month, fresh start.

I think it's time for a little spring cleaning on this blog today.  And then it's time to pick up where I left off.  And then it's time to move forward.  Every day.  To grow.  And to shrink.

I will no longer simply make it through each day.

Different as Night and Day

I experience a contradiction every day, between morning and evening.  At night, I don't want to go to bed.  In the morning, I don't want to get out.  At night, I feel like I am running too short on hours in my day and have an impossible time convincing myself to spend more on sleep.  In the morning, I feel like I am running too short on hours of sleep (obviously) and have an impossible time convincing myself to get out of bed and seize the hours in my day.

Right now?  It is like most other nights.  I don't want to go to sleep.  That will mean that this day will end.  At the beginning of each day, that is all that I am wishing for.   But right now, right now it means that the next day will arrive before I know it, and I will be wishing for the end of the day again.  I will close my eyes, and the next thing I know, I will be opening them again.  The thought of facing another day is exhausting but not exhausting enough to convince me to go to sleep.  

Tomorrow morning I will not want to get out of bed.  I will want to pull the covers over my head.  I will want to hide.  I will want to avoid.

I just don't want to do anything, to face anything, anyone...life.

I don't want to "live" my life like this anymore.

But I feel stuck in what seems like a never-ending cycle, spiraling further and further downward.

That is the best that I can explain it.

I Am Not Okay...

and I am just okay.

I want to be better.  Just like that.  I don't want to work on it.  I just want it to be.

But it doesn't work like that.