The Fog

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours.  Sometimes I would fall asleep.  Often I would try not to.  Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it.  Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact.  Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely...  At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru.  Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that.  That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too).  I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving.  It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...)  I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

14 Days

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say.  I can't find the words.  I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling... 

The last two weeks haven't been all bad.  It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!)  Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time.  I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true.  That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though.  I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing.  I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)  

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...

Rocky Road

Because sometimes when you're on one, you need want some a lot.

I know that I'm being vague, and I know that it's so annoying when people do that.  I'm just struggling...with my need to talk about this.  I mean, I created this blog because I needed a place to get this all out, figure this out.  However, I'm torn between my desire to be open, honest but to also protect the innocent guilty.  Suffice it to say that I have been down this road far too many times, and this continual conflict has contributed greatly to where I am, the things that I'm working on changing.  It has repeatedly derailed me, but I am getting much better at not letting it impact me like it once did.  Still, there is much that is not within my control, and it is just...difficult (to put it far too mildly).

Seeking Serenity

This is late, yes, but needed, indeed.  I haven't updated for days, true.  I haven't exercised for days, yes (at least not since a short puppy walk on Thanksgiving).  Things were busy and great and unhealthy but fun, so healthy in that way, true.  And then all of a sudden things were not, were bad, stressful, deja vu, I'd been there before, with her before.  Vague, yes.  However, I don't even know where to begin, so, for now, I just really won't.  I will simply say (and continue to repeat to myself): Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yes, please do.

A Grandpa is...

 someone you never outgrow your need for. -Author unknown

...watching t.v.  This girl's grandpa came over, and she came bounding down the stairs to greet him, so happy overjoyed to see him.  She hugged him like she didn't ever want to let go.  This broke my heart a little.  I miss him.

Untitled

There is a man on Intervention tonight that really reminds me of my dad. It is too much for me right now.  I am a mess. I should not have been watching this show anyway. I cannot watch it without crying sobbing.  It was particularly bad tonight because I have already been spiraling (even further) downward for the last week or so.  Then because I was thinking of my dad I pulled out old letters from him and my grandpa and my uncle.  I think maybe I shouldn't have done that.  I feel very defeated.  I feel very alone.  I feel very sad.

No Rest for the Weary

Some days are good.  Some days are bad.

I'm struggling.  I'm tired.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm anxious.