Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Black Dog

I am trying making gradual progress, but let me be honest.  This takes an amazing amount of energy for me, and I feel like I have none.  I am depressed.  I have been for a long time, and it is crippling, exhausting.  My mind is filled with so much self-doubt (hatred?) and criticism.  It is so easy for me to focus on all that I do wrong and all that I have left to accomplish. I feel embarrassed talking about it.  I think many people don't understand.  I know many people think it's laziness and excuses.  My inner critic happens to agree with them.  I so desperately want to do better, to feel better.  

Every day is hard.  I find it even more difficult because I try to hide it and pretend that I am fine (depression is a very taboo thing). This is made all the more impossible challenging by the fact that I am tired, every day.  I am irritable, every day.  I am sad, every day.  I find it hard to just get in the shower, every day.  It is hard to eat when I should (let alone what and how much I should), every day.  It is hard to leave my bed, leave my house (let alone exercise  and finish the errands and chores that I need to), every day.  It is such a terrible cycle to find one's self in.  You need to do these things to gain the energy, self esteem, etc. that you need to do these things.

For now, I'm encouraging myself with even the smallest of victories.  I had breakfast.  I finally returned calls and texts (from yesterday).  It's so easy to go inside your own head and avoid interactions with others.  It's easier to hide then too (at least that's what I delude myself into thinking).  I took deep breaths during one call and remained patient (maybe more on that relationship at a later time).  I took care of the puppy.  I think I'm making her depressed too, and I feel so guilty.  

I'm trying to do one thing at a time and not focus on everything else that is in front of me.  I'm trying to focus on the most simple tasks.  It's hard.  I want to fast forward, but that desire indicates that I'm missing the point of this project that I have created for myself.  The truth is that even if I were to fast forward right now, I would find myself exactly where I am now.  I have to live each day, the accomplishments, the setbacks, the exciting, the boring, the successes, the mistakes...  It is only through doing this that I will find myself in a better place somewhere down the road.  The sooner I start taking the steps, the sooner I can get there.

Still, I can't wait for the day when I re-read this post and don't remember what this felt like.

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