Thursday, March 8, 2012

Different as Night and Day

I experience a contradiction every day, between morning and evening.  At night, I don't want to go to bed.  In the morning, I don't want to get out.  At night, I feel like I am running too short on hours in my day and have an impossible time convincing myself to spend more on sleep.  In the morning, I feel like I am running too short on hours of sleep (obviously) and have an impossible time convincing myself to get out of bed and seize the hours in my day.

Right now?  It is like most other nights.  I don't want to go to sleep.  That will mean that this day will end.  At the beginning of each day, that is all that I am wishing for.   But right now, right now it means that the next day will arrive before I know it, and I will be wishing for the end of the day again.  I will close my eyes, and the next thing I know, I will be opening them again.  The thought of facing another day is exhausting but not exhausting enough to convince me to go to sleep.  

Tomorrow morning I will not want to get out of bed.  I will want to pull the covers over my head.  I will want to hide.  I will want to avoid.

I just don't want to do anything, to face anything, anyone...life.

I don't want to "live" my life like this anymore.

But I feel stuck in what seems like a never-ending cycle, spiraling further and further downward.

That is the best that I can explain it.

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