Sunday, November 6, 2011

Never, Never, Never...

never give up. -Winston Churchill

Immediately after writing that previous post, I got up and said to the puppy, "you wanna go on a walk?"  She was half asleep but bolted from her bed with excitement.  Then I felt guilty.  We went on our 2.2 mile path and beat our usual time by five minutes (walk time =ed 37 minutes).  I got home and immediately made dinner.  I did not allow myself to go back to my bedroom.  I get stuck there, sitting in bed, with the t.v. on in the background, glued in front of my computer.  I broke out of it, but it was short-lived.  I grew tired a few hours later, but instead of going to sleep, I just went to bed and sat there in the same mindless, blank state, playing stupid games on my phone.  I fell asleep at some point with the t.v. and lights on.  I did not rest well.  I awoke too late this morning.

Here I am, though, trying it again today, out of my bedroom, t.v. off, in front of my computer, yes, but attempting to work on some job applications, attempting not to hate myself for how much I continually fuck up, for what I have done wrong so far.  I am trying to look forward.  No, I am trying to be present, not focus on all there is in the past to beat myself up over, and all there is in the future to be overwhelmed by.

P.S. That bright spot I referred to before?  ...hanging out with the sister on Friday night.  She is always a bright spot, my best friend.  She helps me through some of my worst times.  She understands, fully.  We took the puppies on a walk too (about 1.5 miles).

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